Hi. I'm fairly certain this post is not what you might typically expect from this introduction section. Don't get me wrong here, the purpose of this post is to introduce myself formally to the community. Usually, however, we might expect that to come from someone who hasn't been in the hobby and in this community for over 15% of their life. Yes, I need to introduce myself anew to a community that deserves to know the real me. I have made friends here, and gained valuable skills and connections which will impact the course of my life forever. I have been inactive for the past year, for various reasons. Over the summer, I had started working on a big multiple-month project. Then, I had to take the time to slog through a tough senior year due to the pandemic, all the while working on college and scholarship applications. But, for many years even before I began my AP journey, there were other struggles holding me back.
Imagine you're given a salad that's mostly good, but has a fatal flaw: mushrooms (If you like mushrooms in a salad, imagine something you dislike). Occasionally, the mushrooms are just bland and give an unsatisfying texture. The salad is still manageable & you choke it down. But not every salad will be like that. On other days, the mushrooms are pungent and gross you out, ruining the whole salad. Now suppose you notice that all your comrades are given salads that are different to yours. There are no mushrooms, instead this one is topped with olives. You have never had olives on a salad like this, so you are a little bit hesitant to try it. But a glance down at the plate in front of you speaks a powerful message. You don't know if the olives will make things better, but the slop you have been served is no good regardless.
That has been my experience with myself. My identity and my body are like mushrooms. Sometimes the crunch of iceberg lettuce drowns them out. On particularly bad days, I just don't show up for fear of being served a monstrosity. It feels bad when that monstrosity is yourself, including your name and your body, full time. In how people perceive you, and speak to you. In how you are forced to look at yourself in the mirror every single day.
It was tough to struggle with this for my entire life, manifesting in many forms. I liken it in many ways to the story of the seasick squid. You all can look it up, but the premise is a squid is born with chronic seasickness, cursed by his ocean domain to feel nauseous every second. But, since he is an ocean dweller, never knows he is sick. That's just what being alive feels like. Eventually, through fairytale magic, he gets to go ashore and be free of illness for the first time. But he has to go back to sea, to his friends and family and job. By feeling good once in his life, he had lost the ability to really be happy with the nausea anymore.
It was a long time ago, I found my own dry land. I repressed it. If you were the squid, wouldn't you want to be happy in the ocean too? Over the past seven or eight months, it got to be too much. Earlier this year, I decided I was going back to the beach. And I was gonna build a damn nice hut under a palm tree. You're all invited; I baked scones
Living as my old self just isn't cutting it anymore. It's like being given a test on a subject you know through-and-through, but are not allowed to use a pen or pencil. No, it must be completed using a potato. A potato. Good luck. With that. I've been living my own identity 95% of the time for the last month or so. And it feels so good. It makes me think of Red: A Crayon's Story. It's a children's book, which, again, can be looked up. But a blue crayon is given a red label at the factory. Growing up, he is asked to draw red things & everyone thinks he is just a bad or stupid red crayon. But, once he is allowed to draw blue things and perceived of as blue, it's like he was made for it! That's what this recent experience has been like.
So, I guess after 750 odd words and three years I owe my fellow astrophotographers a proper introduction. My name is Lilith, pronouns she/her/hers. You have probably gotten quite used to the old tenant who was recently evicted. I assure you, I'm a lot like him. I'm an astrophotographer from Shingle Springs, CA. 18 years old with a life of nerdistry ahead of me. Headed to the University of Arizona in the fall to study astrophysics and mathematics. I love StarTools & obscure deep sky targets. I'm a math freak. All of these things are true for us both. I just so happen to be a woman, too.
I'm sure my transition and related steps will come with the little personal notes I include in image descriptions. My profile picture was lost to the data breach last year, and due to gender dysphoria I never ended up replacing it. I impulsively decided to rush this out earlier than I prepared for, so I might look at this tomorrow morning and rush out corrections or change things from what I have here. Whoopsies in advance. Also, and for the same reason, I don't have an updated profile picture just yet. Expect one from me soon, especially since my hair has been described as looking like "space dust" after adding a metallic blue dye. Might even haver to upload as a standalone image, though I'll probably opt my followers out of notifications on that one…
On another note, I was looking through the public groups and saw that there was no group for LGBT individuals. So, I created one! To all the lovely astrophotographers who identify with the LGBT community, I want to see you & I want you to be seen. There is now a public group for LGBTQIA+ astrophotographers, open to the whole community. So spread the word! I did not know how to categorize it, but tagged it an "Internet Community" in a similar fashion to the Women Astrophotographers group. Also, it will initially be unmoderated. By default, I figured images should be automatically entered into the group. However, this does raise the concern of people who want to be involved without outing themselves on every image. For now, they have been left out of automatic submission. Partially due to some minor technical difficulties. I hope to be a leader in helping to make this community safe and welcome for all individuals, regardless of individual gender identity or expression, or one's romantic or sexual orientation. I welcome community feedback from LGBT individuals on these matters.
Thank you to everyone on here I have come to call a friend. I hope this strengthens our friendship. I hope to become more active again as I move with this, and give back much more to a community that I have been lucky enough to call home. I love you all.
Clear Skies,
Lily
